“As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world…
as in being able to remake ourselves.”
Mahatma Gandhi
We all understand cause and effect. Life is a give and take, a push pull, a polarity of opposites, what goes up must come down, etc… So too is the cycle of our thoughts, actions and choices. We wrote previously about beliefs, how they shape our thoughts and how both affect our choices. To understand how a habit or addiction is formed, we must understand the cause and effect of each step. The cycles goes something like this:
“Your beliefs become your thoughts, Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions, Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values, Your values become your destiny.”
Unfortunately, no one told us this when we were young. (I am working on that…) We grew up allowing the actions of others, shape our beliefs about ourselves. If you experienced negative events in your childhood, or you were left with unmet needs, it is easy to develop negative beliefs about yourself. This may have led to poor choices and potentially unfortunate habits. Before your developing mind was capable of awareness, you may have been influenced by beliefs, that defined a destiny, which is less than desirable.
The manifestation of this can be seen in our bodies and physical environment. We can use our health as a barometer, to measure the quality of our beliefs, and to determine how well we are utilizing our strengths. We subconsciously send messages to our bodies through our thoughts, actions, choices and habits. What we do to our bodies is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.
Bad habits like junk food, drinking, smoking and over medicating are a result of the internal chaos we feel. It is common to punish ourselves and our bodies when we are unhappy. It all goes back to feelings. When we are unhappy and feeling down, we spread that to everyone and everything around us, including our own bodies. It is like shockwaves of negativity rippling out of our minds. Life truly is a matter of feeling, but we will explore that concept another day.
Our feelings are influenced by thoughts, words and actions. Feelings–whether good or bad–can guide our behavior. Behaviors repeated become our habits, which are driven by our beliefs.
So, if our habits are a result of our feelings, then we need to target the root of the issue, our beliefs. This is where we need to put our focus. Ignore the habit or addiction for now. Remember, that which we resist, persists. We can start to combat the negative habit or addiction by taking our attention, focus and energy away from it. In fact, keep doing what you have been doing…for a little while longer. Let’s focus only on the root cause for now. By focusing on the root of the problem, the byproduct is a resolution to the symptoms of the issue.
Give Yourself Time
Start by observing. Watch for patterns and, in seeking to understand, ask as many questions as possible. When is the urge high, and when it is low? What causes it to fluctuate? What thoughts were coming up just before the urge came? What external circumstances or events brought up the unmet need, you habitually try to satisfy? What did you really need in place of the vice you choose?
Habits and addictions were adopted to fill a void, or an unmet need. The feelings that spark the urge, are clues to where you have areas of emptiness inside of you. For example, a feeling of loneliness, is a need for companionship. The solution is a sense of community and belonging, through regular social interaction. Fear of social interaction can be another trigger, especially if you have been building walls of seclusion to hide from yourself and your feelings. Let use this as an example of how to get at the root of the problem.
Ask yourself, why do social situations make you anxious? Could it be from the fear of rejection? An uncertainty of how to behave in order to fit in? A lack of confidence in your worth? If you don’t believe you are worthy, you will not be able to successfully manage friendships, or social interactions. The truth is, the subconscious negative belief of low self-worth, creates the fear of rejection, which in turn creates the anxiety. The belief “I am not worthy” becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Process of Illumination
The identification of core beliefs, creates awareness. Awareness is like shining a flashlight into a dark closet. The mere act of shining the light, chases away the darkness. All we are trying to do right now, is shine a light into the closet of our core beliefs.
You don’t have to act on any of the solutions right away. Nothing happens overnight. Allow yourself as much time as you need. The true measure of success is whether or not you continue to move in a new direction. Even if that means two steps forward and one step back, that is still progress and you deserve credit for it.
Treat Yourself with Compassion
Imagine yourself as a child. Sit with your inner child and comfort her, the same way a loving parent would comfort a wounded child. If you are struggling with major habits and addictions, the reality is you are wounded. There is a big gaping hole in your heart. It hurts—badly…and you just want to make the pain go away. There is a pit in your stomach and an emptiness you are trying to fill.
Be gentle and use kind self-talk. You are the only one who can pull yourself out of this, so take it easy. Speak to yourself as a loving, caring, best friend would. Be your own best friend. Be your own hero. The self confidence that will come from this process will astound you. Step-by-step you will build yourself back up. You will demonstrate to yourself, that you are strong enough to hurdle any obstacle life throws at you.
Mistakes happen. We cannot beat ourselves up over the mistakes we make, even if they are on a daily or frequent basis. The past is behind us, leave it there. It is done. It is gone. We are here now and we need to move forward. Guilt over issues are caused by our own internal judgment and blame. When we beat ourselves up inside, it makes us feel worse. Feeling worse often perpetuates the issue, when we respond by punishing ourselves with more of the same habits–which led to the guilt in the first place! So, the first step is to create awareness of the triggers and the second is to stop beating on yourself.
Confronting the Past
People may have hurt you…life may have hurt you…in ways that can never be forgotten. You may be mad…you may be frustrated. You may feel scarred or hopelessly damaged. But, for some reason you want to hang onto that pain. You think about it and ruminate on it. You allow it to infest your thoughts, feelings and actions until ultimately it shapes your core beliefs and physical reality. Our value was diminished because of what someone else did to us.
Releasing the Pain
No matter how bad it was, you have to let it go. Break it down and work through it one step at a time. Did your father hit you? Did your mother abandon you? If so, I’m sorry, I care about your pain and that is why I am writing this, for you. The truth is nothing is going to change what happened. You have to move forward. You have to make choices and ultimately there are only two options. Keep doing what you’re doing and hope it gets better, or… make a concerted, purposeful effort to take back your life.
The people that hurt you don’t deserve all that you have given them. When you choose to hang onto the past, you are giving them your happiness, your peace and your joy. To reclaim these things and take them back, we need to make a conscious effort to forgive each and every indiscretion. Know that their actions were a reflection of their own internal chaos, it has no bearing on your value or worth. Don’t take it personally.
Your feelings are valid, your pain is justified, you deserve better and to feel good. Your needs are also valid and you deserve to satisfy them. You deserve to be happy, consistently, every day. Your wants, desires and dreams are not only valid and obtainable, but necessary and valuable to the rest of us. We need you to be ok, because we need your strengths and contributions.
Remind yourself that you are a good person, regardless of the past or the mistakes made. Remind yourself that you are a valuable, capable and beautiful human being, who deserves love just like everyone else. No one person is all good or all bad. Every single person deserves love and happiness. Give yourself permission to forgive and forget the past…to accept love… and to heal.
Reading the Signs of Unmet Needs
Healing emotional and behavioral traumas will lead to better choices and thereby a healthier body. In order to heal we must identify the unmet needs. The book What Are You Hungry For by Deepak Chopra is a great resource for this step. The book focuses on diet, but the concepts can be applied to any habit or addiction. This is because, when dealing with these issues, we are often “hungry” for something other than what we first think. It is often an emotional “hunger” rather than a physical one. The sensation of thirst is commonly be mistaken for hunger, so too can we misinterpret our emotional needs. We have to listen carefully for the messages pointing to our physical and emotional needs.
When trying to identify the true need, follow the path from the trigger to the root cause. Often times we may have to ask questions multiple times, to go deep enough and find the root. Remember to ask ‘why?’ 5 times. We must see clearly, why we do what we do. What is the true driver of your impulses and choices? When you identify the root cause, the core belief, you begin to see the underlying unmet need. Your unmet need, may be a natural ability, or strength, that subconsciously you know you have and want to use, but is currently going to waste. It’s like an artist with a vision, but no canvas and no paint. How frustrating…it must feel like torture.
Let’s use the social interaction example again. The trigger for the habit or addiction may be loneliness. Being alone may hurt so much, you are compelled to numb the pain. The loneliness is caused by the seclusion you create, due to a fear of rejection. This fear of rejection is because of low self-worth, which is a result of the core belief, you are not worthy. The unmet need may be you have strong social skills and without using time you lack a sense of worth and value. Your value comes from using your strengths, your social skills in this case. By defining what strengths you want to be using and what value you want to add, you will rebuild your confidence. When you are able to start contributing again, you will improve your self-worth, which in turn will heal the pain and remove the need to numb it.
Intention
Once you have identified your unmet needs, the next step is to clarify your intention. If you could magically fix things over night what would you change? Do you want to eat right? Do you want to give your body the nutrition and exercise it deserves? Do you want to get sober? Do you want to be able to hear the messages your body is trying to send you? Whatever it is you want to change, you have to truly want it. You have to want it so bad you can taste it. Identify and clarify your intention, then state it out loud. Hold your intentions in the back of your mind and think about them every time you make a decision. Notice whether you decisions move you toward your intention or away from it. Once your choices and decisions start moving in the direction or your intention you will start to heal and resolve your habit or addiction.
Our Essential Nature
Remember, happiness is achieved through, the identification and development of natural abilities and strengths, in order to maximize the value contributed, which will facilitate personal fulfillment. Many of us struggle because, deep down inside, we know we are not living up to our fullest potential. We are designed to create and contribute. If in our daily lives, we are not able to exercise our skills and strengths diligently and conscientiously, the real joy, inner peace and contentment will remain out of reach. We will intrinsically suffer from malaise or unhappiness.
The Reward for Your Efforts
Over time, as you let go of the old pain and embrace the rejuvenation process, the weight of your burden will lighten. The wounds will be less sensitive and eventually will heal completely. There is a difference between wounded temporarily and broken permanently. You are not broken and you can choose how long you are wounded.
Once you set the intention and make the choice to heal, the power of the past will lose its hold over you. You will naturally and effortlessly want to take better care of yourself, because you will start to realize you deserve to be happy. You will astound yourself with how natural, organic, easy and enjoyable your self-care will become. You may even develop a heightened, intuitive awareness! You will be able to hear messages and receive signals, which your body was previously unable to register, due to its incoherent and numb state. You will regain confidence and the desire to participate in life again.
So long as you have patience and persistence, you will start to realize a shift and you will soon see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t be afraid of your own voice, it’s beautiful. Take back your power and roar. Sometimes, when I am trying to tackle a big challenge, it helps me to listen to the son by Katy Perry – Roar.
Repetition: the Key to Learning
Let’s recap the steps.
- Watch and Observe. Look for patterns of triggers.
- Follow the triggers to the root cause and core belief.
- Identify the unmet need
- Define the strengths to fulfill the unmet needs.
- Set your intention
- Reaffirm your commitment
Remember, you are not alone. Don’t give up. Life can be beautiful and we are all in this together. Help is here if you ask for it.
“I offer you peace. I offer you love. I offer you friendship. I see your beauty. I hear your need.
I feel your feelings. My wisdom flows from the Highest Source.
I salute that Source in you. Let us work together for unity and love.”
Mahatma Gandhi
“The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment
in which you first find yourself.”
Mark Caine
Meaning To Life 
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