Self-Sacrifice vs Self-Care

“Self-sacrifice which denies common sense is not a virtue. It’s a spiritual dissipation.”

Margaret Deland

We find yet another duality in the comparison of self-sacrifice and self-care.  In some cultures it is considered good to sacrifice your needs to put other first.  While in other cultures it is taught that one should care for themselves first before taking care of others.  This creates an interesting need for discernment and balance.  The question is how do we determine when is it best to put ourselves or other first?    Selfishness

The Bing definition of selfishness “is being concerned, sometimes excessively or exclusively, with concern for oneself or one’s own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others.” If one is consistently focused on themselves and refuses to think of others, they are being selfish.  Selfishness is very different from self-care.  Let’s be clear, they are not the same thing.  Self-care is the ability to recognize and satisfy one’s own needs.    The Bing definition of self-care is “any necessary human regulatory function which is under individual control, deliberate and self-initiated.” Selfishness is not healthy, whereas self-care is necessary to be healthy.

Self-Sacrifice
On the converse side of this duality, is the concept of self-sacrifice.  The definition of self-sacrifice is “the giving up of one’s own interests or wishes in order to help others or to advance a cause.”  In the right dosage, this, too, has its place.  All too often we swing from one extreme of the pendulum to the other. The goal should be to find a happy medium.  As with most things in life, this too requires balance.

Self-sacrifice can be a noble gesture, but must be reserved for situations that truly warrant the need.  Some of us have been led to believe we are better people if we  self-sacrifice.  Unfortunately, this has the potential to be used as an ego or victim play.  Helping others should not be considered an avenue for building self-worth or validation.  Nor should it be used to gain empathy or pity.  Self-sacrifice should solely be for the benefit of the other person and it should not be to your detriment.  You should not sacrifice for others if it harms you.  While there may be a need to forego ancillary nice-to- haves, this does not mean you should sacrifice your basic needs for survival or well-being.  You should not have to hurt yourself in order to help others.

Interdependence 

Typically people are capable of satisfying their own needs.  In fact it is best for them to do so.  In some cases, we do more harm than good through self-sacrifice.  If we are not careful, the damage can be both to ourselves and to the person we are trying to assist.  People learn by doing, when we do things for them, we rob them of the lesson.  “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”  Chinese Proverb  There are many ways to help and serve those in need, without sacrificing ourselves or further damaging the person we are trying to help.  This is done by creating an interdependent relationship.  Interdependence asks that they be neither fully dependent nor independent, but a healthy combination of both.

Interdependence in a relationship is when the individual participants, in a relationship or group, are mutually dependent on the others. It is important that the relationship be mutual, to keep the dynamics in balance.  When one person, or group, is doing all of the giving, the other is becoming dependent.  The same way an unused muscle will atrophy, the individual or groups ability to support themselves, and contribute to others, will also diminish.  Our best course of action is to teach them how to care for themselves and assist only when necessary.

Self-Care 

Self-Care is a critical life skill that is often forgotten or over looked.  In some cases it is considered to be a given and in other cases it is considered selfish.  Regardless of the previous mindset, we should consider it more consciously today.  It goes beyond brushing our teeth and taking a shower.  In fact it extends to nearly every aspect of our lives.  From the food we eat, to the choices we make.  Each moment, of every day, we are consciously or unconsciously making decisions.  Each decision is based on a set of criteria.  The criteria is defined by our priorities and these are defined by our beliefs, values, and intentions.

So the question becomes one of self-worth.  Do you consider yourself a priority?  Do you believe your needs are valid?  Is your intention to take care of yourself or do you value others more?  Do you consider yourself somehow less than those around you?  The answers to these questions will define the level of self-care you allow.

When you are hungry, do you allow yourself to eat?  When you are thirsty, do you go get a drink of water?  When you are lonely, do you seek connection?  When you feel discomfort of any kind, do you acknowledge you deserve the resolution to it?  True self-care is the ability to recognize our needs, an acknowledgement that all of our needs are valid and the choice to satisfy what is necessary for our health and wellbeing.

Self-deprecation is rampant today.  Too many people go with too little sleep, too little food, and too much caffeine.  Suffering in unfulfilling jobs and unsatisfying relationships are also in part of our poor self-care habits.  It is time to recognize we deserve more and grant ourselves the permission to fulfill our needs.

Listening 

Start with baby steps.  Learn to listen and pay careful attention to your inner voice.   Learn to hear your body.  If you are hungry, ask what it is hungry for.  If you are tired, make time to rest.  If you are lonely, reach out to a friend.  If you are in need of advice, let us know.  We are here for you to assist you in the journey of self-care.  You deserve it!

You are an amazing person.  There is no one else made exactly like you.  No one with your exact strengths, abilities and talents.  You have gifts to share with others…your fulfillment depends on it.  Your body and your health is your vessel to carry you on this journey.  Take care of it.  Treasure it!